Every girl, at some point in her life, has heard that dreaded five-word phrase:

“It’s not you, it’s me.”

Not that we buy it. Most of the time, we assume they’re trying to let us down easily, sparing our feelings from the more honest reality: “I’m just not that into you.” The dumped party can become obsessed trying to identify that one thing that sent their man running for the hills.

Sometimes, though, those doing the running are actually fleeing from themselves.

For instance: Aaron, a young, attractive associate who works in my office. He’s positively drowning in dates despite putting little to no effort in attaining them. He recently went out with a girl he described as a 10: beautiful, funny, and an all-around catch. Despite the nice evening he spent with her (that ended in a sleepover), he has no interest in another date. She, of course, looked devastated when he responded with a less than reassuring pause after she asked him “Will I ever see you again?”

Why, after having an amazing date with “Miss 10” does Aaron not want to continue to see her? Time constraints, for one: he’s busy enough with work and school and doesn’t want the drama of a relationship. Secondly, he’s had poor relationship experiences in the past, something we can all relate to. Individuals have different reactions to relationship trauma, and his involves the abandonment of the entire institution. Nothing his date did was going to change that.

What can we learn from this example? One, that not all men are ready (or willing) to become boyfriend material. Second, that your behavior is not always the reason for a relationship ending (or failing to start at all). Third, start slowly. Excited by the prospect of a new love, Aaron’s date hopped into bed based on an incomplete picture. Had she taken the time to go out with him multiple times, she likely would’ve found out their incompatibility before getting involved.

So remember: if he says “It’s not you, it’s me”, it may very well be true.